Conflict is inevitable in any relationship – but how we choose to respond can mean the difference between relationship growth or strain. Whether it is a professional or personal context, many of us are never trained in conflict resolution. There are 3 broad categories of how most people tend to handle conflicts: avoidance, aggression, and the least common of all: non-aggressive conflict resolution. Rather than awkwardly avoiding sources of conflict or causing the other person to become defensive, practicing non-aggressive conflict resolution can help foster healthier and more honest relationships with your loved ones or colleagues.
In 2013, I published a video called “Conflict Resolution in 6 Simple Easy Steps” where I outlined STABEN, a simple method for conflict resolution. Today, I’ll provide a quick review of STABEN as well as delve into some other expert-approved tips for addressing conflict.
The STABEN Method
This framework is a useful guide to set up a productive conversation with someone who you want to resolve an ongoing conflict with.
S stands for Source – Identify the source of conflict. This is usually an individual’s behavior, but if a group is involved you will want to sit down and take some time to reflect on the specific source of conflict.
T stands for Time and Place – Plan an appropriate and calm place to discuss this issue. You don’t want to choose an evening where you know you will be overwhelmed from work or discuss private matters in a very public setting that might be humiliating for either party. As Dorothy Walker shares in her TEDx talk on conflict resolution, there should ideally be no external distractions, and you should try to stay as impartial as possible.
A stands for Amicable Approach – Before delving into the source of conflict with the other party, it’s important to set a positive tone so they will be receptive to what you are about to say. One simple way to do this is to find something you truly appreciate that the other person has done. It is important to be genuine and not to be too vague, or this can backfire by coming across as insincere.
B stands for Behavior – Now it is important to identify the specific behavior that is the source of conflict. Don’t lump multiple instances of different behaviors together and be very specific with your feedback.
E stands for Emotion – As important as it is to identify the source of conflict, it is equally crucial to put a name to the feeling that the conflict has given you. Identify the specific emotion the previously named behavior caused you to experience, and don’t generalize beyond that behavior.
N stands for Need – Finally, identify a specific and actionable goal that would end this conflict, and work with the other person to mindfully implement actions to solve the issue. As Walker further notes in her speech, it is best to come to a clear agreement, whether it is verbal or written.
If you want to watch a great example of applying the STABEN method, please watch my video example (which is also linked above). As an example, I apply this method to resolve a point of contention from my home: doing the dishes.
Regulate before You React
When in a tough conversation, your nervous system can shift into survival mode – what Amy Gallo from Harvard Business Review, in addition to many other experts, calls “the fight-or-flight response.” While this type of reaction could have helped our ancestors escape danger, it can backfire in modern professional settings by leading to reactivity or regret.
It’s important to acknowledge and label your feelings in order to find the most appropriate response. You can also take some deep breaths and notice how you’re physically reacting to the situation. Engaging in small, intentional actions like tapping each of your fingers with your thumb can help you stay present and mindful.
Choose the Right Strategy for the Situation
According to another HBR article, there are 5 different strategies for conflict resolution, and each may best be suited to a certain type of situation. Here is a quick overview:
- Avoiding – This strategy is best suited for situations in your daily life where you’ll likely never see the other party anyways, and it’s best to minimize the harm caused.
- Competing This only really helps in times of crisis, where your goal is very important but the relationship with the other party is much less so.
- Accommodating – You can implement this strategy when the relationship matters more than the goal. This can be particularly useful when the other person is hostile or you don’t have too strong of an opinion.
- Compromising – This can also be called a “lose-lose strategy,” because neither party gets exactly what they wanted, but it can be helpful nevertheless when you want to achieve your goal but also preserve your relationship with the other party.
- Collaborating This is a “win-win strategy”, which comes in useful when the goal and relationship are equally important. However, be warned that finding an outcome that meets all needs can be very difficult.
When Conflict becomes Chronic
One key lesson when it comes to conflict resolution is that not every conflict is the same. Sometimes collaboration may be worth the effort, but occasionally it can be wiser to just walk away. Before choosing the strategy you’ll implement, ask yourself whether your goal or relationship with the other party matters more to you. Also consider whether this is a one-time issue or if it has recurred, and whether similar approaches in the past have failed.
Amy Gallo reminds us that while setting boundaries is important, it is important to know when you deserve better, especially in a workplace setting. If you are able to document an irksome colleague’s transgressions as well as your successes in dealing with the issue, you will be better equipped to bring the issue to someone in a higher position. (Always consider the risks and benefits of talking about approaching someone in power with the issue – you don’t want this strategy to backfire if it is seen as complaining.
Summary
When approached correctly, conflict can be a catalyst for positive change. By staying emotionally grounded, choosing a strategy suited to your situation, and communicating respectfully with the other party involved, you can resolve tension and strengthen your relationships.
